My last post was over a month ago which is a little bit sad as I've tried to finish various posts and have missed out on a month of Theo's development and sharing it with the world. The reason I've been gone for so long is partially down to lack of sleep and a little colic monster but also because I've been stuck in a bit of a rut. I don't want to go anywhere or really do anything, I just want to sleep and stay in my little bubble - preferably on the sofa watching films. If I'm being completely honest with myself I think I've got a little bit of post natal depression and the reason I think this is isn't due to the lack of sleep or slightly and occasionally useless Daddy - it's because I still feel a little bit cheated.
Now unlike others, I don't feel cheated because of my c section. I still feel like I made the right choice and honestly that was the best thing that happened over the last few months of my pregnancy. I feel cheated because I hardly had a pregnancy. I'm bitter because I spent almost a year of my life before children either throwing up or in a hospital. I'm upset because I didn't get to bask in the beauty of my bump whilst getting a pregnant massage or even have a baby shower with lots of bunting and a big cake with my friends and family coo'ing over me. I'm gutted because I didn't get to take part in any of the usual things you get to do when your pregnant and instead I'm left with a shit load of stretch marks and a slightly confused look on my face when I try and think of something fun I did within the last year. I'm sad because I paid good bloody money for an NCT course that I only managed to go to once and that I missed out on the baby buddies I could of made. I wasn't at the last class so I didn't get added to the whatsapp group and I missed the "parenting basics" class which basically was the only reason I booked the course. The only one I attended was focused on a natural birth and pain relief - none of which benefited me in the slightest.
When people ask me that almighty question that every newly un-pregnant women get "but it was worth it wasn't it" I want to be able to answer without any hesitation or umming and arring and just to say "would you look at him, ofcourse it was". Don't get me wrong, Theo is my world and I wouldn't change that fact...I just wish I could change the lead up to his arrival. This post is me trying to let go of that bitterness and anger! I want to stop moping around about my shitty pregnancy and enjoy what's in front of me - a gorgeous little boy with big blue eyes!
So, enough is enough. I had a crappy 8 months but now I need to focus on our future. All the amazing things we are going to experience together that a lot of other people don't. I solemnly swear to make the most of them and put a stop to the sadness and generally just being a miserable cow.
I also promise to be back to doing what I love tomorrow to update you on how our little munchkin is growing at 8 whole weeks! Crazy!
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