ACCEPTING MY POST NATAL PODGE

I've never been one to swan around in tiny bikinis or crop tops and I certainly haven't been anywhere near anything less than a size 14 in the last 12 years but still I knew my post baby body would be an issue. I can hack only functioning on 2 hours sleep and the screaming colic but what I always knew would let me down was my own self esteem. Every time I look in the mirror or try and get dressed that familiar pang of disgust hits me and it's hard to keep my head above water. Last week it got so overwhelming I ordered a new sports bra and ran to the gym to sign up because I needed to shift this excess weight. Although I have only been once so there might be a flaw in the system there.

I'm not going to sugar coat this one bit - a warning for my friends reading that have yet to have kids - this is my current list of unhappiness:
- Massive, slightly more saggy tits that barely fit into a H cup (which was £40 as it was and I refuse to buy another one!)
- Jiggly, untoned body in general. Everywhere just wiggles a bit more than usual.
- Long, thick purple stretch marks all across my tummy that might fade but will still always be there
- The double chin that I have absolutely no idea how to get rid of!?

This is currently what I see every time I look in the mirror. I fully realise I've grown a person but that doesn't change the fact that I do not like what I see. I've found myself frantically Googling childminders so I can leave my poor baby for a few hours to go and work out - I tell you it's hard work trying to juggle this crap when your babysitting support all live 30+ miles away! Why on earth do all gyms not have crèches!? There's definitely a gap in the market there! - something that I've always been a little bit against. But should I be feeling this much hatred towards my body when I've spent almost a year growing a perfectly formed human.

I should be embracing what my body has done in some beautiful earth mother type way but alas I am not the "earth mother" type. I am very much a realist *ahem pessimist* I really am trying to come to terms with my new less sexy body type but it's just not really working - which in turn is sending me nose diving towards the biscuit barrel for comfort. So here I am, baring my soul (and stretch marks) to the World Wide Web and anyone who will listen. In hopes that getting it off my chest will somehow make me accept it as normal. Or to at least show people that it's not just them that feels this way.

The thing is it isn't really that much to do with my pregnancy. After months of being unable to eat I seem to of stuffed my face since Theo's arrival...which hasn't done me any favours what so ever!

It's not just a vain thing either. My general fitness has taken a bit of a bashing too. After my first session back at the gym - of which I tried to push myself maybe a teency bit too hard - I've been hobbling around like an old woman. I may never of been skinny but I was somewhat in an ok shape which seems to of disappeared with many months of lying in bed due to this, that and the other. I'm just pretty sure I won't feel like me until I get some of my long lost fitness back.

Edit: Weeks after originally writing this post I've realised it's just not realistic with a baby, dog and engineer other half that works odd hours for me to make it to the gym more than twice a week so my membership has gone! I can't say I've come to terms with my new shape but hey. Maybe it will come in time but for now, hide the mirros and crack open the biscuit tin.